Side-Effect by Elihu Genmyo Smith
When your words are criticized, your
actions not accepted and even found at fault, what happens? When you are put
down (whether by yourself or others) what is going on, what is the reaction? When
body aches, hurts, and moving is painful, what then? In these and other
situations, notice the thoughts, feelings and especially the words that arise such
as “I like”, “I do not like”, “I am”, “I am not.”
“I” is a side-effect of being human,
a by-product of being human. “I” is not
the main aspect of a human being, it is not the most important function of
being human, nor is it the limit of being human. Do you believe it is? Often,
many of us do.
“I” is a side-effect which unfortunately
can have the disastrous consequences such as violence and war, or the milder
but more long-lasting and pernicious consequence of stress, dissatisfaction and
suffering. Instead of living this life we are, we often become side-tracked
into this “I” side-effect – the “I”
by-products of “I don’t want”, “I want”, “I should” or “I shouldn’t”….
“I” is a side-effect of being
embodied, a by-product of body-mind-world, or to use the traditional Buddhist terms,
a by-product of the five skhandas, a by-product in the midst of ongoing change.
“I” arises –passes – that is unless we make something of this by-product, hold
on to it, attach to it – then we do not see arising-passing, don’t embody ongoing
change. For many of us, the habit of attachment, the misunderstanding of that, leads
to being at effect of this “I”, this by-product which repeatedly arises and is
clung to as a result of our not seeing it for what it is; it is a by-product
and side-effect, an often problematic side-effect out of which we create self
in the midst of non-self.
Of course I am writing this, you are
reading this, he is speaking, she is listening – all of this is the way we
function right now. And this makes sense, can be a way that we skillfully and
appropriately use words and concepts. I is one aspect of this life, this being
human, this functioning. And yet, if we become trapped by these conceptions and
perceptions, if these perceptions and related beliefs are a seemingly fixed,
permanent, and independent aspect of our life, then we miss this moment
interdependence of my speaking and you listening, of the air which breathes me,
of the ongoing change that is this moment life. What is this right now?
Being human includes wonderful
body-mind capacities. These body-mind capacities can develop in all the many physical-mental
ways we humans function in this universe that is our life. And we can see it in
technologies and music, the sciences and medicine, in agriculture and
literature, and all sorts of social functioning and compassionate actions. No
need for me to enumerate them right now since if we reflect on this it will be
clear that we are all experts on this in our own life, in our particular areas
of functioning.
And yet this side-effect “I” can
poison our life. And there is an antidote to this side-effect. The antidote is
awakening to who and what we are, awakening to being human; forgetting self,
not limiting our self to “self-centeredness.”
Then we will notice when the side-effect “I” appears in its many forms,
the my, me, mine and so forth, and if needed, we will be able to make the
practice effort that will allow us to not be at-the-effect of this moment by-product
reaction.
Many limitations and distortions of
our life, distortions of our functioning, result from the side-effect of “I”,
the side-effect “I” which becomes entangled in our many forms and activities,
the side-effect that seems to “call” for our attention. And this side-effect “I”,
this by-product of being embodied, becomes so entangled in the many forms of
human functioning that we often forget or fail to notice that it is only a side-effect
of being human, of this particular functioning, of the particular activities we
are engaging in. Instead we believe that the side-effect “I” is the main point
of our activities, that the by-product “I” is the purpose of our activities. Along
with the “I” side-effect comes the side-effect of “other”, the “not-I” side-effect.
“I” and “other” may even determine and direct our functioning, our life. And we
may believe this without being conscious of it, without noticing our holding to
these beliefs, without seeing how we are acting out of these beliefs - bodily,
emotionally, habitually and in many other ways. We may refuse to be intimate
right now; “I” side-effect wants to avoid what is uncomfortable, much less
painful, and to chase what feels good. While it is fine to not want to be
uncomfortable, not want pain - whether emotional or physical or any other -
when these arise, can we be this moment, can we embrace them in the midst of
acting skillfully and appropriately. Paraphrasing Shunryu Suzuki Roshi, our
life practice includes making friends with cancer, with the discomfort and even
pain, with inability and mistakes, with the icy couch we are on when it appears
– being intimate as this impermanent ongoing change, as birth-death life. Being
intimate is appreciating this moment, being intimate is not being caught up in
the side-effects of “I” and “other.”
Even likes and dislikes are simply
emotion-thought, bodily reactions. It is the “I” side-effect entangled in them
that results in difficulties, suffering and harm. Otherwise, likes-dislikes
arise and pass as do other emotion-thought of human functioning cause and effect
right now.
Seeing the side-effect arising
passing, as it does, is one aspect of no longer fooling our self about the
side-effect, no longer missing the life we are because we are blinkered and
blinded by the side-effect and taken in by the many times this entanglement
arises in our life.
As noted earlier, along with the “I”
side-effect comes the side-effect of “other”, the “not-I” side-effect. These
side-effects may perniciously taint our being human, and give rise to and
underlie all sorts of habitual reactions. And when we are sensitized to these
side-effects, the very side-effect can serve to enable us to release
attachment, to awaken this moment. Being sensitized includes noticing the many
ways “other” arises, the many ways “not-I” serves to justify actions and
reactions – and then to make the appropriate skillful practice effort. When we
believe things about “other”, become angry or hurt about “other,” and when the
stories that we tell become the basis of how we see life, how we see events and
how we react to them, then we become entangled in unskillful and harmful
behavior which result in stress and suffering for many. Most fundamental of the
entanglements is the believing of the solidity of “other,” instead of seeing
“otherness” as a side-effect of our human functioning, of perceiving and so
forth, as an inaccurate perception of what is so. This “other” that is a
side-effect of being human is an inaccuracy in the way we are holding it, an
inaccuracy that is reinforced by much of human culture, of social culture. The “other”
can include states of this very body-mind.
This “I” side-effect can be expanded
in many ways and it can be contracted in many ways. This “other” side-effect
can also be expanded in many ways, physically, emotionally and so forth, and it
can be contracted in many ways. These expansions and contractions, the various
forms of these by-products, lead to further complications, to political, social
and psychological problems and dysfunctions, to intolerance, racism and worse. We
can treat emotion-thought as “other”, and raise up like and dislike reactions,
and we can treat the world as “I” while raising up like and dislike reactions.
There are various therapies,
political ideologies and other solutions proposed to treat the problems that
arise from these distortions – some of these “treatments” can be temporarily
and pragmatically effective. But if the fundamental clinging to the side-effect
continues then the consequences of the “I” side-effect, of the “other” side-effect,
will reappear, maybe even as part of the proposed solution for the very problems
that the side-effects “previously” gave rise to.
We take for granted that the
side-effects are naturally most significant - even to the extent that when we
do not react out of the ”I” or “other” side effect, when we do not focus on
these by-products, it may feel strange and unusual, sometimes exhilarating and
sometimes as if something is lacking.
What would it be to live not at the
effect of “I” or “other”, not at the effect of these side-effects, of these
by-products? This is what we have the opportunity to discover this moment. This
is what practice supports and encourages. And it takes great courage - because
we have become so used to emphasizing the side-effect of “I” and “not-I.”
Please be courageous, do not hold to
these side-effects, do not cling to these by-products - be free here now and
live this awakened life.
© 2012 Elihu Genmyo Smith
